"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
