It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
