I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
