We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize