dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
