ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
