I am spending my child support on dildos
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
