you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Houston, we have a squirter
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
