see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
