just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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