Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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