i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
is wine microwaveable?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
