forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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