Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize