You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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