yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
