Dude my mom stole all your condoms
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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