I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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