it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
