haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
