ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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