Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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