Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
