i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
