Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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