come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
