I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did I show you my penis last night?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
