I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Randomize
