Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
