So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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