Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
