She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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