just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
