does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
