Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
