So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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