I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
In America we eat man semen.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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