Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
