I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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