whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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