OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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