the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
