Farmville is her only friend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
