I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
