The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
