You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
