shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
