I murdered the dance floor call the cops
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
