Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
