well you can't waste a boner
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
