My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize