If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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