If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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