Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
