god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
