I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
