WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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