I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
