my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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